Cocaine and Karaoke: adventures in NYC

Well, good evening.

I would like to preface that this is a true story. no matter how outrageous it seems, all the crazy folks DO live in New York City. Just a specific kind of crazy.
Yesterday was a fun-filled beautifully sunny, and surprisingly warm-enough--to-wear-shorts day in October.
I got to see my best friends new apt, got my hair cut (layered) shampooed and scalp massaged, a facial by a gorgeous italian girl, and had a great friend-date-walk around the city. After which, I went to see the Coco Peru drag show at the laurie beechman. Hilarious AND Honest.
After the show, I headed to meet up with my co-worker and friend Kryssy and her roommate Miguel for Karaoke in Unions Square. Karaoke Cave on E. 13tth. Kickass spot, $1 songs. Barely anyone there. However, after enough pressure  decided to do Cher's Dark Lady. To which i shamed The Queen bee by forgetting the main melody. Major Facepalm.
I had a wonderful time. Then we walked to the Beauty Bar where a mad cool DJ was layin the funk, motown, twist music. However, too many straight guys tyring to dance with me. As soon as i sat down, some dude walks up to me and asks me if i want to do some cocaine, which he presents to me.
I told him i was straightedge, i dont drink, i dont do drugs, and by the way I 'm gay, just so you know.
He looked at me like i was the crazy one.
And then he made this face like he didnt believe me. I turned to my friends and he touched me on the shoulder, directing his announcement at the group,
"ok see you guys later im gonna go do some coke".
HAHAHA

Ok time for a gay bar, i said. We trekked to some gay bar nearby, the lesbian bouncer outside told me you cant just tell straight guys you're gay, you have to explicitly say "I DONT LIKE DICK". haha words to remember.

This one was practically empty and didnt' have any one dancing.
We hopped to Heathers, and found out it wasn't lesban anymore, just full of hipsters.
Walked over to Pheonix. This is a great bar, but again, another dude comes up to me and asks me if i want some cocaine. No, actually, he didnt ask, he just pulled a bunch of tiny baggies out of his pocket and assumed i wanted it.
ew.
Moral of the story: gay or straight, many different people do coke and they assume you want to also. they also don't think there's anything to be ashamed of.
its hella cool or something...clueless.

It's after 3, so we take off.
I wanted to stop at this bar across the street to pee in before i got on the train back to rockaway, so i walk in and no one is n the bar. not even the bartender. Its deserted. so i start looking around for the bathroom. and suddenly some chick starts screaming at me to get out of the bar from outside!
She comes in to the doorway of the bar (im assuming shes the bartender at this point)
and shes yelling at me "what are you doing!?"
Me: im looking for a restroom. do you need my id or something?
Her: get over here! were you here before???
me: no i just came in and no one-
her: well you cant just walk in here if you werent here before and use our restrroom, you have to buy a drink.
me: oh so we have to pay to empty our bowels now? is this urinetown?
im walking away as my friends are quizzical as to what just happened. im fucking quizzical too.

waiting for the A train, i saw some guy across the platform that looked identical (hair, clothes) to the bartender at the karaoke bar. so i looked at him, and he waved. I waved. he got up and started coming over to my platform...i was already confused. lol
When i walked to him, he started hitting on me! asked if i wanted to come home with him! WTH!!??
i said, im sorry, i just was saying hi, from earlier. He was confused. I said from the karaoke bar. he said i wasnt at a karaoke bar tonight. whoops. wrong guy.
i explained, but was still annoyed, like even if i hadnt mad a mistake. if someone in a train station (hypothetically) starts talking/flirting with you,t he first thing you ask is, "you want to come home with me?" Thats insane.

By the time i get to broad channel, to transfer to the shuttle train, some guy gets on the shuttle smoking a cigarette.
Huge pet peeve. Why does anyone think they have the right to just smoke on the train and bother everyone else, there are no windows fool!!!
So i move to the end of the train. The next stop, i get out and go to a different car on the train.
At my stop, i get off and walk downstairs, the guy got off too, following me.
He catches up to me, and says "hey baby, can  i come home with you?"

AHHHH i wanted to scream at him so bad. My name is not baby, and hell no!
but i didnt. i figured, 5am, no one else around, not sure i want to get into an altercation with some dude that isn't even aware of other people, his surroundings or body language.
I mean, he knew i was sitting next to him on the train and moved, and then changed cars, because of his cigarette. then why would he think he had any shot at hitting on me? SMDH.

#songoftheday, I HATE BOYS by Christina Aguilera.

got into bed at 5am.
woke up at noon, went into the city and i got new snow boots. yay!

Peace.

B

6 year anniversary reflection

A few days ago was the 6-year anniversary of the loss of my sister.
Sunday, i made the decision to instead, be distracted, and i've been successfully putting off my meditation.

NO WONDER I strained my neck and back...smh
The mysteries of the universe I will never understand, but my love for the friend outweighs procrastination.

The dull ache stays. i am stained. it is not as fresh as before, and yet still so vivid, scarred, numbing.
I so desperately wanted to know her and be the best sister I could.


"One day you’ll discover that death is not what you might imagine; but then, neither is life.  Either may be wondrous, filled with change; or, if you do not awaken, both may turn out to be a considerable disappointment." Dan Millman

Obviously, no one knew this would happen. No one ever does.
That doesn't change how angry it makes me that I was kept from her for so long, while so many of those around me, who call themselves my family didn't even bother to say "Hey, by the way, you're adopted" "By the way, you have these other siblings living right here in the same town".
I had so many years in the dark that could've been spent building a relationship with my sister and even my brother Ben who was also in stockton at the time.
I guess i'm just mad at the lies.

But life doesn't throw you anything you're not strong enough to live through.

and i'm fortunate I met her at all.
I'm fortunate I have a chance to build that relationship with Ben now.
I'm really sad that the rest of my siblings never got to meet Cindy. I know all she wanted was a sister, and she was something that I was missing too.  I love my other two sisters, both Saras', but everyone in their own way has a uniquenes that brings an amazing and brilliant light into your life.
She changed me forever.  I just wish i knew her better.

Aloha!
I miss you everyday.


This is my 6 year reflection.
peace love and light
enjoy your journey.

"you  have a terminal illness: it’s called birth.  You don’t have more than a few years left.  No one does!  So be happy now, without reason — or you never will be at all."  Dan Millman

2/20-2/21 ~ Turbo Twang and Florida Folly (travelblog)

2/20
For some reason I kept thinking i was leaving today...my anxiety was so strong it skipped a day!
whew..good thing im leaving tomorrow. I'm so anxious to return to freezing weather and personal responsibility.
haha...soon as i get back lots to do. Find a new therapist, try not to be so paranoid in NY, finish building my loft, start thinking about my trip to Cali in may and how long i want to actually stay for.
anyway, back to the present.
Up at 8, out by 10, post office was closed , apparently its a holiday? whatever that means. haha
Most of my summer stuff that i brought im mailing back to make room for the stuff i got while i've been on vacation.
Don't you love the postal service? cheaper than checking a bag at the airport. Even though I only have one carry-on I could have two, i'd rather not be carrying stuff i dont need on the subway.

To the beach it is! till 5, got a burger and some oysters. mmm
went back to hosts to change into gay western attire :)
Took the bus to Wilton Manors and got to Scandasl just in time to start with the Intermediate dancers. Woot!
I learned the Turbo Twang. Then the rest of the night, it was me either trying to jump in on dances i didnt know or at least being encouraged to by cute old gay guys telling me im really good! haha
I got to do the turbo twang 4 times at least, after the lesson. An old lesbian was totally helping me out with the steps to ones i didnt know. I was sweating up a storm and loving every second! its so muc fun! this is my new favorite thing.

Then It was about 10pm and I wanted to catch the last bus back to Las Olas, so i was saying goodbyes to my new friends and this couple offered to give me a ride. An old guy from North Carolina named Glenn who had just retired and was living with his young Israeli boyfriend whose name i forgot. They were on vacation too.
They were so sweet. Weird dynamic (in age), but it seemed to work for them.

Got home around 10:25 and went to bed shortly thereafter.
I woke up around 3am to pee and then couldnt get back to sleep because my legs were itching so bad..fricking mosquito bites. :o

2/21
leaving today....grumble grumble. ;)
Post office. Park by the beach. Beach. Froyo.
All packed. internetting.
I'm feeling very bullet point today.
the 1 bus to the airport around 4. and back in NY I'll be tonight. that is really the end of my travel blog. But I will be writing again in May when I go to Cali.
last words: Go to South Florida. Especially if you're gay.

Peace, love, and light,

Bob the Girl

ps: I forgot I put Folly in my title. that's because I was thinking about how friendly I thought people were here, and on a case by case basis they are. However, it got me thinking, is it plain friendly when "people" say hi or good morning to you on the street? or am i being slightly naive because the only "people" who are saying these things are men. young, old, creepy, whatever.  Is it because im a cute girl walking*gasp* down the street in shorts and bangin' NYC sunglasses?
Whatever it is, it can be discussed. And i only started noticing after an abundance of monsters trucks kept honking at me when im walking down the street, also. ok, im exxaggerating with the monster trucks, but they're totally typical.
and when you see a truck pass you, honk, and then you see the drivers head flip around to continue looking after he's passed you and neglecting his responsibility as a safe driver...I say WTF, mate?
I'm not a supermodel. Get a life. Drive!
Ok...so, i like ft lauderdale, but i guess the way women are treated still pisses me off. As it should.
Peace.

At the airport, JUST SAW MANDY PATINKIN. Word.
I'm freakin'.
I love that man.
:)

2/17-2/19 ~ Fortune and Gayme: birthday goals and sucesses (travelblog)

2/17/12
Yesterday,  I woke up and met my 2nd host, who is super awesome. This trip is nothing but fortunate. I went out to the salvation army, got apparel for square dancing. the buses run well here, never waited longer than 10 min for any of them. Went back to Wilton Manors to cruise the gay-borhood. If the Castro was its own city, this would be it. cool shops, a thrift store that benefits stray animal care. I met a cool guy named Gary who is 50 but doesnt look it at all! He was way awesome. We talked about Gay Life in Ft. Laud. It's so OUT here. I love it. Way progressive and well deserved. If i lived in Florida, it would be this town or oakland park. I met a nice kid at the bus stop from Tampa. Then headed to Oakland Park and took a bus east to Galt Ocean Mile. I was trapped by condos! oh NOES! :p No beach access for a mile....lame. I finally got to Lauderdale Beach around Vista Park. Well worth it. Secluded. Quiet. Very nice spot. Humberto joined me. the Water was so Warm!! then we headed back to my hosts house. He was there with a friend of his, Alberto and we all went out to this Beer Market/ deli/cafe something, in the cuts..it was fantastic. A whole wall of all kinds of beer. I got a yummy molasses brewed brown ale. $3 crazy! awesome conversations and sweet cheap beer and pizza. Around midnight we took off, I stayed up for a couple hours chatting with my host Mark. Made me think about places in life and desire versus unbalance, futility, many other thoughts. I found myself hoping I get a chance to have an ex that can actually be my friend that kind of honest intimacy at the same time. instead of acting fucking neurotic just because you've seen each other naked and dont know how to go forward or back, not that either is right (its about the new and the present). being able to acknowledge differences, but being mutually important enough to stay close. maybe one day...or not. maybe i'll stay asexual and be fine living my life to its fullest the way i do now, not lacking anything. got to sleep around 3am, woke up around 8am ready for a new day.
Today, the 17th, i repacked to go to my new hosts' and headed to the postoffice to mail a few postcards and patricks bday gift. headed to new hosts house, close to this one, but in victoria park. a really old colonial neighborhood. beautiful houses, kind of like Hawaii but bigger houses. More southern colonial. this host Andrew is a mutual couchhost of a friend and past couchsurfer of mine, Ben. I smell weed as i arrive. haha. So i drop my stuff and jet for new adventures. I walked up to Sunrise Blvd and found another Out of the Closet, still no boots. Got yelled at by some driver with road rage. I was on the sidewalk walking through the entrance to a shopping center, you know, I have right of way, its still the sidewalk. She was livid at this concept. Her problem, not mine. I get to the beach, Vistamar. Chill. take a nap. eat. walk to Terramar. Riomar. Meet humberto . He swims. I go potty. then i found a giant chocolate cookie!  in a bakery. not the potty. lolz We head back to my hosts place, change (it had gotten breezy), back to Humbertos, out for food, found a payless! Finally, got my boots. Now i'm dropped off at New Moon Lesbian bar. Cheap happy hour. some girl waved at me. how friendly. the bartender gave me a chip but i dont know what its for. It was too loud and i didnt hear her. maybe cus its my birthday..i dont know.well i'll write more later. time to be awkward eye-contact beer sipping strange new girl.
--It was a chip for a free beer during happy hour any day.--

On the way to the bathroom some old lesbian said "nice boots girlfriend!" lols. Bartender starts talking to me a bit. Why are lesbians so sub most of the time? it doesnt take much to start a conversation..(I say as i sit there all fake-shy, please) took a walk around Wilton Manors and its Art Walk night so the local thrift shop had local florida fruit wine. Strawberry, blueberry, the like. Lots of art displayed all over the sidewalks for each store. Feeling tipsy so i found biscuits and gravy at a diner. mmm sobering up, walk 3 miles back Victoria Park. felt very safe and warm out. no one ever talked to me. there was barely anyone out. some girl was walking right in the center of the streets. no cars out, it made sense to me. haha walked the 3 miles in 70 min. nice. Andrew has this little chair thing that folds out to be a sleeper. its exactly my height! and oh so suprisingly comfortable. it doesnt look comfortable at all, but its reallly goood. i have to get me one for my guests. Sleep now.

 2/18/12
Its mah birthday! woot. 24 will be good.
I woke up and walked to find breakfast. I find Einstein Bros bagels. I havent had these in so long! lucky day for me! across the street its starbucks time. My free birthday drink. any drink any size. I get a venti half chai/half vanilla bean soy frapp. mmmm they were so cheerful in there..they tried to get one of the guys to sing me happy birthday..i told him he didnt have to. I plugged my laptop in and uploaded all my pics. It was nice to see all the happy birthday posts on my wall. :) I stayed at starfucks for almost 2 hours internetting. a girl sat down next to me and chatted with me. She just moved to Ft Laud from upstate NY and shes had the worst time. Apparently she fell into the wrong crowd staying at whatever hostel she did, and a friend of a friends place...she didnt have anywhere to go, so she was on her way to a hotel or something. but she was charging her phone. she had a breathing machine with her. She said she had COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease) and is just one thing after another for her. I tried my best at giving her positive advice on how to go about getting what you need from the universe and keeping her head up. whether it be just going to the beach and not worrying so much. I told her about couchsurfing, the bus system and such. she wished me a happy birthday and gave me a tigers eye stone she got in upstate ny rock quarry. even though i felt she was in a negtive spiral, it was refreshing to see someone despite their mud-colored glasses, they know how to give when not recieving. I hope her days get better. It really is all about timing and having the right attitude. especially having patience. So she called a cab and went toward the beach. Humberto picked me up and we drove to Miami...to Bay Harbor Island.
I found the apartment where they filmed Dexter's Apartment in all the intro scenes. It's private property so i was hoping to ask someone who lived there to let us in to take a picture, or if i have to pay them i could do that too.
Ok so, yes, get your laughs out now. im a freak. you know this. BUT! I'm not the ONLY freak. there were 2 other people there looking for the same thing! ha!and then 4 more people showed up! HAHA! This sweet old man that lives in the apt complex next door let us into his backyard property/pool to take pictures through the fence. He said the management next door literally put up a fence just 2 days ago to keep people out because apparently hundred of people come all the damn time to take pictures!!!!!!!LOLZ! I feel better knowing im not the only one. The guys name was Jeff and he was so cool. he was from NYC, so he knows whats up! He even picked a flower from his yard and gave it to me, telling me Happy Birthday! :) So sweet! Then, a happy duck that i was, left feeling like my bday goal was accomplished. We headed to this picnic/party that my host Mark had invited me to in Miami shores neighborhood called El Portal. At a wonderful girls house name Virginia. the party was for a Meetup group they are all a part of where they get together to take part in extreme activities. pretty lucky to have such a strong and amazing group of people to network and be friends with and do crazy cool stuff with. And i got to celebrate my birthday with all these wacky beautiful people! yee-haw. I met so many amazing people its hard to put in to words. I was very appreciative of being to celebrate my birthday, (which normally birthdays are opposite you know, you spend them with people that come to see you, your friends, family, whatever, you get gifts that are meant for you, the party is about you!) rather, i got to spend mine with awesome strangers that i didnt know, the party was about celebrating their group and i didnt get any gifts (except new friends). i dont know to explain how perfect that was for me..haha hella tight. I'm grateful i get to do new and exciting things for my birthday instead of same old same old. it kind of sets my new year in life off to a good start. the theme: meeting new people and doing new things. "Bob! Get out of your loft and be social!" :)
good food, good graces. Around 11 I went back to Andrews house and was not tired yet. I got a text from a new friend i met at the Party, Andre. He asked me if i wanted to go out and see South Beach, so he picked me up and we went down to South Beach. I wasnt too tired at first, but slowly i began to get exhausted. Seeing the miami cityscape was pretty cool, south beach is weird and bright and loud. We got out and he took me to a club called Mangos which he had VIP cards for. It was a nightmare! I wanted to believe that clubs like this didnt exist in real life, only in movies, but for the sheer grossness of it, it really does exist and its terrible.I really cant even begin to tell you everything that made my skin crawl. Its just creepy and objectifiying and so heteronormative. i dont like straight clubs. sorry. but they are terrible. i asked him if we could leave. we went to the beach. it was white sand. nice to see but i had a bangin headache by this time and he was hella surprised and off-put when he asked if i was gay and i said "what do you think?"sometimes its easier to say. however, i laid out the truth for him. gay is hard to cling to. sexuality or asexuality is more fluid than that and a lot more complicated. I dont think he wanted to have an ethical discussion about orientation. But i still went into it. what else was i going to say? I mean really, he opened up the door. I am asexual. it's what i am now, and what i think i'll be in the near future.  parts of me think its always been this way. anyway, thats another blog for another time. whatever i said bothered him or something because he didnt make much conversation after that and we just headed back to the car so he could drive me home. I didnt feel unsafe. Just awkward. Like you know that moment, when some dude is being so predictable its actually surprising. After he knew the answer to his question (would he end up hooking up with me? NO.) he didnt need to spend any more time with me. Not that this is what happened, however it is a legitimate and logical assumption (not a conclusion.) Maybe he was just tired. Ha. i'll leave it open to that. but my gut was saying otherwise in volumes.

 Got back to Andrew's at 4am..talked for a bit about my terrible time in South Beach, which he thought was hilarious..which I thought was hilarious.

2/19/12
Slept till 9 this morning. could not speak really at all. need honey. need tea. need juice. need garlic. need..more sleep.felt sick as a sick puppy. body hurt. ick.Had tea. gave andrew Dexter seasons and Life seasons.  Said my thank yous and took off for breakfast at a cafe on Las Olas. The guy at the cashier was from maine. he had a piglet on his shirt. :) The menu had a sandwich called The Empire State. - which the description said "our version of a "grinder" (insert ingredients here)" HA! A grinder is what they call a sub in Rhode Island!, not new York, the Empire State! lolz
 I got a breakfast croissant sandwich..mmm it was huge for $3. Walked back to marks, made tea,  a ton of honey that i swiped from the cafe. took a B vitamin. drank a ton of water. took a shower. layed down. then started walking to the Beach. Attempted to get Humberto out there with me, to no avail. The traffic apparently was too much for him. I laid on the beach from 1:30pm till 4:30 pm. It was nice. I finished this great book called The Only Bush I Trust Is My Own.
Sent my brother AND BFF, Alex, some birthday wishes, one of these days we gotta have a double birthday bash again in the same damn city.
Walked back to Mark's, had some leftover dinner, packed my bags for leaving soon, uploaded more pics, did some hefty Poi Practice to deathstar/marty party(i was totally sweating).Sadness is coming over me..had such an intensely happy week, and now having to return to the cold and the reality that is new therapy and such is just so overbearing. I gotta figure some things out. But for now I am REALLY trying to savor this sunshine and happiness as much as i can before i must return.

Last note, i dont know why i only recived 3 calls on my birthday. I got 8 brothers an sisters and 2 moms and a dad. whats this shhhhhh haha. the ones that txt/fb me are lucky i love 'em. This year people are sleeping or something. I love ya'll but damn, its one day a year that really means anything to me. What are you doing thats so important you cant make a phone call for 5 minutes out for your day? ridiculous.
 OK im done. Aloha,im rejuvenating my body and maybe ill find some way to get juice tomorrow.also square dancing. goodnight
B

2/15/12 - Kaleidoscope Clouds (travelblog)

I am laughing and smiling, trading jokes with the sun (especially the muffin joke). The clouds are kaleidoscoping above my head. I'm at South Beach Park. This is the beach where they filmed the 4 episode of Dexter, where they found the severed hand on a beach chair. Go ahead, say it, I'm a freak. A nerd.
So my first night in Ft Lauderdale, my host Michael picked me up from the airport. He is so nice! He is a professional cyclist and uber awesome. His girlfriend is amazing as well! They seemed to me to be some really cool people. very easy going and funny.  I took a shower, had a glass of great red wine, and michael dropped me off at my friend Humberto's place. we went to Little Haiti in Miami to a bar called Churchills. As in Winston Fucking Churchill.  :D
Rad bar. good mild rock bands, positive energy not that extreme macho ego punk shit. The people that frequent this bar were too cool. way too cool for any people who actually think they're cool. everyone looked different.  not one person was wearing the same thing as someone else. it was great. most of the girls werent wearing makeup and were all gorgeous and friendly. Rarely do i go to a bar where women are friendly with each other...this is the life.
I met a girl named Maria who had never left the Miami area before in her life. I told her all about couchsurfing and she was so stoked. I am very excited for her in what may be her first adventure in life. I hope her world opens up dramatically and fully to all the amazing experiences this planet has to offer.
Then i saw this guy next to me at the bar, his arm was bleeding! So what do i do...i took a picture. lols.
yeah...bob-like.
I got back to my hosts house (he left the back door open for me to get in) around 1am. woke up this morning at 8am had some tea, repacked my bags, thanked my hosts and caught the 9 bus out of riverland village to the main Transit Center in Ft lauderdale.  I walked the riverfront area. Its so beautiful and reminds me of San Antonio, TX. Albeit, much BIGGER (some things are not bigger in texas..haha)
I finally made it to my next couchhost, he left a key for me under his mat, what a sweetie!
When i walked into his beautiful bright blue painted apartment overlooking a boat dock and a garden pool, i found a little note from my host, "B! Welcome! If you can find it, you can eat it!" LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!
So inspiring. I will be this way from now on. Its too beautiful not to be this way to other surfers in the future.
It's too perfect.
Had breakfast, took a shower (i know! ME?! but something in Florida, i get all sticky and sweaty..i just need to rinse off lol) I walked to the beach and wandered south to South Beach Park, this entertainment landmark (haha) of dexter-o-bilia and now im all sunblocked up and can take in my vitamin D for the next 5 hours. Peace....

After around 4, i started walking North up the beach towards Sunrise Ave...where all the gay beaches are. YAY!
I found Sebastien st, Terramar and Vistamar. 3 mostly gay beaches..i would say Sebastien st was 100% all gay men and i saw one lesbian couple. It was so cute. I loved it. reminded me of Baker Beach in SF...without all the nudity haha

I walked back to my hosts place, made soup and washed the sand off of me.
Changed for Square dancing and Humberto picked me up. We went to Scandals. THE BEST GAY BAR EVER. Best BAR ever. So cool. Very saloon style, country music inside, but hey, disco pop club music on the back island patio. If i lived here, this would be my local bar. :)
We took the beginner lessons and I had the best time ever!
After, we jumped into the intermediate "Reggae Cowboy" Dance and it was wayyyyy fast and complicated, but i got some of it. I'm going back next monday, again after i find me some real cowboy boots.

Then we went to Rodeo, a southwestern grill still in Wilton Manors (the gay area of ft lauderdale, technically in town called Oakland Park.) had the best Pulled Pork of my LIFE. why? WHY? WHY??? did it have to taste so orgasmic...i thanked and sent a namaste to the little piggy who sacrificed this lifetime for my (or whoever elses tastebuds it wouldve gone to anyway). But it made me inspired to try to copy it and make it vegan. I dont think itd be too hard. I'd use seitan and enoki mushrooms probably.
anyway... then i came home with a bellyful and I cant keep my eyes open any longer.
boa noite!
B

2/14/12 - Off to Ft. Lauderdale

Hallo!

I am at La Guardia, waiting to set off on a new adventure in the mixed-review state of Florida.

Going to Ft. Lauderdale to visit a couple friends, couchsurf, embrace solitude on white beaches in 80 degree weather (finally somewhere warm for my birthday!), visit the Hindu temple for services, check out the LGBT nightlife and find time to go Square dancing at a gay cowboy saloon called Scandals. woohoo.

Going to check out Miami for a day or two also. It's difficult to do such a fascinating city by yourself in such a short time, but I'm making the most of this vacation.

I have my laptop but i might just write entries in my notebook and upload them later.

I bought myself a brand new digital camera from best buy on sale...i might return it, but im still deciding. it was so cheap, its kindof worth keeping. However, i already have two good digital cameras they just need fixing. one might be not fixable, but the other one just needs a charger. I dont know if i'll keep it. I guess i could sell the ones i have and make the money back for the new one....a thought.

I digress.

What can i say? I'm going to be 24 in a few days...YAY!

10 years ago I was in Gettysburg, PA about to have my life changed drastically.

10 years ago, on my birthday, the 18th of february 2002, i was on the first plane ride of my life to Dallas, TX about to begin a life on my own, not knowing what would come.

(15) 9 years ago, I was manipulated into one of the scariest situations that imprinted very critical parts of who i am today, that i can only wish did not exist. Unfortunately, this is the first memory I think of when this year comes to mind. Which is too sad, because there were so many amazing things I also experienced this year.

(16) 8 years ago, I was still afraid. But I gained a very important, loving and supportive community in the form of friendships, comradeships and new family. Not to mention I met my best friend in the world and brother for life.

(17) 7 years ago, I graduated high school and finally felt i had a chance. I met a sister and a brother I did not know I had. I set off for college with some semblance of hope. I went to NYC for the first time.

(18) 6 years ago, I got my tongue pierced for my birthday. I finally had the courage to say no and put an end to all that i had been afraid of. I lost my sister at the hands of someone else's depravity and selfishness. I started anew and found my second best friend in the world and sister for life.

(19) 5 years ago, I took my best friend to see the Silversun Pickups for our birthdays. Later that year, I fell in love. F'real.

(20) 4 years ago, I went to Italy, my heart broke, I went off the deep end, never thought I'd get back, traveled to Boston and NYC and attempted to start anew.

(21) 3 years ago, I began seriously writing music again after 5 years of not writing anything. My heart was healing and I stopped being straight edge for some champagne. and some wine. and some shots. My sutures were torn out on my birthday that year and I had to start all over again. I went to Amsterdam, Belgium, Paris, Hawaii and hitchhiked to Portland. My heart began to beat steadily again.

(22) 2 years ago, I spent my birthday in NYC seeing a John Zorn music festival and ended up in a penthouse on Roosevelt Island. I wrote a lot of music that year and I finally graduated from college.

(23) 1 year ago, I created a kill room (dexter style) in a house in the middle of the woods of Sebastopol

and somehow convinced a bunch of my friends to come out and drink with me in a room covered in plastic and fake blood.

I'm surprised they dont think i'm a serial killer.

This year I will be on a beach in Miami.

The past 10 years have been a whirlwind. I know this year brings up trauma and anxiety. I know I have some re-building to do, some words to say, some intangible things to face, decisions to make, questions to ask and to answer, and most of all some love to give to myself and to those that have seen me through thick and thin.

I have to say 23 was my favorite year ever. i don't know ho 24 will come close, but i know it will shine no less brighter than any years prior.

I can't say that I'm ready, but I am prepared and my tools are securely fastened in my holster.

Go on, show me what you got world.

I got two guns, one for each of ya.

I never update this thing!

i will try harder from now on. however, i just got Scribefire for Songbird, so ill sync it up.

--2 minutes later--

well, that was easy.