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If youve stumbled upon this blog from an old link, I have a new blog now. 

It is here

RhymesBeforeCrimes.blogspot.com

Solar powered visions will stay dormant but available only as an archive.

Different Wars

my mind is in a million places. 
ready for whatever.
got me runnin faces in my mind like erasing all the times
i 
got you in it, all caught up in it
knowin nothin but protectin, not as guilty as they come
but wishin youda done what i never could a done
what i never thought i wanted but it always was wrong
like a animal in heat bet you thought you got me beat
manipulate my mind so in time your secret is complete
no secrets no more im finna blow it all apart im finna tell it all out till my eyes dried out till my brains so numb cant undone what you done what you did to the kid, what i lost so young


im not equipped with the right armor for that battle
that battle can wait,
for this other battle ill rattle off the list of artillery i need for this war
a horde of forlorn scorned victims turned lawyers
bathrooms and bedrooms and lofts and sex stores
turned courtrooms and war rooms an torture for sure
ill get through this and get back to that other battle for sure
only detour the turns and the twists i endure
for love when your backs turned, its raw real and pure
or confused and refused, just a lesson you learned, a test in the mess of a ventriloquists' best, throwin voice throwin shade i think you really not sure.
you say you learn not to lie, learn'n on the fly, the battle begins once you kidnap the truth, held hostage the honesty in one smirk and then poof - my proof is my gut tellin me i dont trust you.
how could i. how should i. the puddin is smooth. through the roof that i fly like a rocket so high im in to this war, one foot out on the floor and im not comin back just to communicate the next heartbreak you serve .
its always the same with you, a name with you, a baby step, all in time for you, im out of context that rhymes with you, what i think is pleasure is pain in my veins from shootin up the next score in this game of who will hurt the other more, the knife i need to cut you off is always dull,
and the voices in my mind remind the voices from behind, like the past echoes in the mine off the stalactites of a time when love was easier to find.
aint nobody got rhyme fa that, in time will that be a fight ill find ill probably never win, im closer to the ring than ive ever been, too old fa not-thought-out complaints and pains you thinkll go away,
too young for ultimatums in defense of selfish things like love that leaves you trashed and love that leaves you branded, a love that never tells the truth no matter what it learns, what it earns, what it yearns for, burns for, cus its a truth that cant be sold, its a love that cant be bought. warriors bold. survivors unfold. wont stop, cant stop hustlin the spot, on the block where i live. home is where the healing begins, and this battle can wait, im IN im not gone, but im on pause with try'n. the other battle needs a fighter and im one to empower. a soldier for the sisters who been lost, one to step forward and say whats been not. said till now and this gon be the one that turns my frown into a smile. after alla the tears and the fears I been facin, finally truth gone set me free of these omens. oceans of trauma and desensitized emotion, this armor i got aint no calamine lotion, remember newtons third law of motion? get ready for a commotion, what your karma was for, im like Lebron in this war, on the stand, in the street, the balls in my court, stay out the kitchen if you cant handle this Heat.

death or (R)evolution

Rumination will bring death or revolution

i.

the storm is coming
without warning
as usual,
in mourning, forthcoming, i am.
trying.
its still happening and I'm hiding and prying
its been happening all along
talk about a rap sheet
just piling it up of witness and testaments the bodies are high
you're digging your own grave
while you bury those you left behind
i was buried alive and I'm waking up and fighting my way out tooth and nail and knuckles bare bleeding, digging myself out of my own grave like Buffy
its tough you see the justice system is fucked so the answers i receive may not be enough
for one, I'm facing the storm. it's coming without warning
i feel the warm wetness of desperation its too familiar
but this time, the unfamiliar, the revealing
its breathtaking, Taking, breathStealing, reeling,

i hear about you bothering other teenagers and I'm ready for a beheading
10 years in the making
i cant live with myself if you're still taking, if girls are shaking
it's coming out, the storm is arriving, i can see it on the horizon,
bet you never thought,
you'd never be,
caught,
you never be seen for who you really be. trust.
you're gonna wish you never met me


ii.

I'm ready to erupt like a volcano
it'll all come out somehow
bear with me on the timing its a bit slimy wading through this sick waste side of trauma, hesitancy, don't you see
my friends are having MY nightmares
and this is the only way i feel better subtle letters in spoken word rap battles
dismembered memories of a "wish i could forget" but i remember so clearly

quote
i need to go young girl hunting
unquote

flash

give me fear
flash
give me adoration
flash
give me invisibility

a room full of sexual abuse survivors like ghosts with hoarse throats, torn coats.
gaining momentum

quote
nobody knows how to keep a secret anymore
unquote

flash
give me intimidation
flash
give me a get out of jail free card
flash

flash

flash

iii.
one day all this garbage will pour right out of me.
maybe into a book
maybe into your ears, your heart, your mind
but it will come out sooner or later
and any backlash will be worth the decade it took to overcome
any gas-lighting will be worth smashing the reputations he's won
i might need a really good defense
but those of u i know
will trust me when i say
my back needs having, support unstaggering
he got fresh
i never rested
upon this breath
facts are present

can i get a witness
maybe 3 or 4
i saved the emails, voicemails, and more
deals off, you sick son of a

get me a mic or a pen or drum
I'm beating, writing, screaming this truth out of me,
which, ever, way
 it will come.


iv.

i feel i may be living the life of someone whose no longer housed in this body and mind.
as if i just moved in and someone else's things are still here.
someone i knew very well. so well in fact, i actually thought these were all my things.
but I'm starting to see they're just dreams
i don't have need anymore
#evolution #awkward
hashtag you can't summarize delirium

“I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then”

since then when was I whoever I was at tea? was she me?

“I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir,' said Alice, 'Because I'm not myself you see.”

this house doesn't fit in me.
i woke up with a whole new hand.
new heart.

“But it's no use now," thought poor Alice, "to pretend to be two people! Why, there's hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!”

finding comfort in uncomfortable situations.

if i were to go
i'd feel interrupted mid sentence
before the predicate
and if the rest of the sentence wasn't really important anyway?
if it is only a continuum
a fugue
dissociative state

"I quite agree with you,” said the Duchess; “and the moral of that is—‘Be what you would seem to be’—or, if you’d like it put more simply—‘Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.”

exactly. or not exactly. but I'm definitely off to something. 

off of something on

on to not-somethings.
forget it.

“So she sat on with closed eyes, and half believed herself in Wonderland, though she knew she had but to open them again, and all would change to dull reality.”

--------------------------------
*quotes are excerpts from Lewis Carroll's through the looking glass (as if you didnt already figure that out)

Palliate (double meaning)

i want to write a poem heavy with blood
no
etched in a tree
no
amber alert the child inside is missing
my mind made up the decision without even having a conversation with any other parts of me
she left
i havent had time to explain
now youll have plenty


this is excruciating
im finally giving her a microphone and she disappears on me
is she gone for good?
or just scared
because im not
forgetting, anything,

, , , pause, enough, for effect, to reflect, infect, inject, you
back in time, im not reevaluating, neglect,
this

this

then

there

he

i

how many times will i repeat myself
sa-sa-sacrifices [through tears] are to be m-m-m-made
for the greater just-less show-of just-legal-speak-for- the-motions
i endure
i showed up to the wrong court wearing AF1's and my head wrapped,
free throws,
rapped about insanity and had-to-be hands all over me, grabbing and silently lying practically has-to-be enough

for you to see, intensity, the propensity,
inadvertence of pretense,
im talking and untethered to this plane of existence
susceptability as a defense please suspectability is beyond recess.
redress it up however you like
im going up with a fight, a fight or flight reflex
ingested injected since birth dying to get off the table momma meconophagist tried ta kill me first
ever heard of a liability well you are one, to everyone you come into contact with that happens to have a vagina aged under 18 years, hebephile in denial, not ready fa trial, out of court settlement an understatement, you secondhandwish for hell you gonna get it

i want to write a poem and it always turns into a rap, a game i been in internally since '96,
heavy with blood and child abuse, flowering from a little rap seed, a poetryneed,
spoken word slam frontal attack
fully loaded assault rifle but with verbs and predicates, pronouns, adjectives, clauses, fragments.
i got a concealed carry-permit for a loaded weapon, my mind, memory, mathesis.

iambic
iamb this.
ideopraxist for ideophones

i will find a home, it may not be where ive ever been before
but it will be a salvay-shun of bullshit and lies
and all that is toxic
home full of love and backs-had, support in any form you can make it, bake it, ill take it,
as is,  home, to where my bred is, where im bread in, and up,
mixing up the english language in a diva cup, a cup of power, flowered instead, the blooming of riots
not diets
not "quiet!"'s
just try it
a cursed home inviting trust
inviting love, weeping, scarred, abandoned whole parts and pieces of people
banishing the idea that we were never wanted, planned or celebrated.
wrapping arms around scars,
defeating this curable sickness, kickin n its teeth, and having a hand there to help you up when its all done.
for now at least this is my reverie
a poem lost in alchemy, anarchy,
traumatically characterizing a trajectory for transcendency

and thats my plea.

this girl is on fiyah [-ire] : putting the decay in decade

this girl is on fiyah
never a liyah
feet in the soles of shoes untied to the ground
tethered to a truth
greatness i see greatness behold theres greatness in these notes
this girl is a cryah
gifted
unfettered
gripping locks of uncut memories
thats all it is
an image
visage
envisioned a future of an adulthood that looks no more adulterated than a scripted narrative
imposed in a book, or a book imposed on a screen,
still pictures, a hiccup
figuratively exaggerated
writing poetry in position within remission im not going back
we have moved 3,000 miles to insist in a distance
but ya'll dont know
this girl is wearing a wiyah
waiting for a testimony that will never be read until it is written
it must first  be written
i cant do it i cant write it i can barely even speak it
i cant gulp it i cant heave it i cant find it it is bereavement

this girl is a ridah
a flyah
not a buyah of bullshit spoonfed and gargled on sentiment
i represent a spirit of indifference, Just, but 'fraid of resentment
intent is key not bereft misguided holier-than-thou one-standing-up-n-a-crowd
shouting and outing malfeasance
in particular
a particular weasel shifting gaze and camouflaged behind a hollywood sign
a new york big city reality star lights
and reconnaissance
a recognizance of what really happened and has it happened if it hasnt been written?
it has happened without key character witnesses
it has happened without evidence
a test of my will of 10 years in the making, outstanding,
statute of limitations, guarding a history of a
girl on fiyah
this girl is not on trial
this girl is on a pyah
putting to rest the ashes of a child long since dead
and never really alive to tell any tales

the decay in this decade
weighing in at a hundred and ten pounds


  if you're smart you just might catch on-  /    [this,      girl,        is on] -

fiyah.

B.The.G. 2013.

My Family Story: so much happens in a decade

Some of you have known me a very long time and probably have had a few questions along the way.
My family story has always been extensively complicated and mystifying.
This is the story of how I went from a girl with 2 siblings to a girl with 9 siblings and multiple parents.

When I started High School in SF in 2002, people would ask about my family. Back then I didn't have one.
Or i did, but not one that supported me, or that i knew about.
I lived with my older brother. He took care of me after i was kicked out. and a lot of the time i took care of myself.
I didn't have parents. I had mentors. Teachers. The Mime Troupe. They were my saving grace.
I had them to look up to and learn from and be inspired by.

The truth is, which I didn't put all the pieces together for a long time, is that I was adopted as an infant. I almost died the day i was born from all the heroin in my system. My biological mother wasn't allowed to have custody so I went into Foster Care instantaneously.
After two weeks in foster care, my biological half-aunt adopted my two full blood relation siblings, an older sister and older brother. She raised us, but her partner Vic's Sikh Punjabi parents felt more like caretakers to me.
After they separated, My sister and I were moved to Denver, Colorado, then to Baltimore, Maryland, finally to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.
Along the way, both my siblings left the house as teenagers. My brother stayed in the Bay at 16 and my sister stayed in Baltimore to raise her child at 17.
I was kicked out at 14 and made my way to SF from Gettysburg via Dallas. (that's another story for another time).

In 2005, my last year of high school , I met my best friend forever, Alex. His dad kind of adopted me and over time I had this new family. New younger siblings that i love with all my heart. It gave me the joy of being an older sibling, people i could connect with and look out for and re-create the kind of family time i don't think i ever got, or ever remembered having. a new mom. an actual dad.a younger sister Sara and two younger brothers Alex and Levi, one of which also happened to be my best friend. I sure am lucky.

A lot happened in 2004. In addition to my new family,  my paternal grandparents passed away and  from that tragic situation and their will, I found out I had a half-brother from my biological father's side and a half-sister from my biological father as well.
I met my half-sister Lucinda the first time being on tour with the mime troupe at a show we did in Stockton that year. it was a very important moment for me. I met her husband and her kids and her mother. I was beginning to learn about my family story. Little did any of us know, a heinous man would take her life only a couple years later.
I met my half brother Jess after my first year in college, after losing our sister.  I traveled to Mississippi to get to know him and his daughters. I learned even more about my family story.

Took a few more years, but after college I found another half-brother I had, Ben.
My sister Lucinda's mother gave me a copy of our father's funeral program with all the names of his children on it. And Ben was one of those names that i entered right into facebook and searched. Lucky me, I found him and coincidentally he only lived a couple towns away in Healdsburg. I met him and his wife and his children. The family story was coming together.

The last remaining rumors were of a possible first-born daughter when my father was 15. No clue where to begin.
Miraculously, She ended up finding ME on facebook through our sister Lucinda's page in her memory. Since i was listed as her sister on FB, my long lost sister messaged me. Now we are in contact and I hope to meet her someday soon as well as her children and grandchildren. The family story still has some ways to go, but I've made huge strides in having a clear picture of the Correia history and how I fit into that framework.

So yes, when a lot of you met me, i sure didn't feel like i had much of a family. My brother was my family,  the Mime Troupe was my family. that was enough for me because it was better than I'd ever gotten.
Then i got younger siblings and parents and that was a dream come true. Something new, a way for me to be a new sister and daughter. to be able to BE a daughter after never feeling like one.
it was all complicated and enough.
But finding blood relatives that can and want to be a part of your life, is so rewarding. I wouldn't trade in any of them. blood or water. kin is kin.

those that didn't have to be there, and were, i am so very thankful.
this is a complicated story but i hope i make a little more sense after you have read this.



p.s: if you haven't told me i should write a book/play by now, join the club.

p.p.s: if you want to help me write a book/play, serious inquiries only. :)

Love,
Bob the Girl (ain't i a woman yet?)
 

Your very own: Krispy Kreme Knockoffs (vegan or not)

Dough:

• 2 1/2 c. all purpose flour (havent tried any other flour, i read that bread flour makes it really tough).
• 4 T. sugar
• 3 T.  Earth Balance or butter
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1/2 c. almond milk
• 1 egg (did not attempt to substitute Soy or Sunflower Lecithin, but i'm sure you could try and it would be fine)
• 2 tsp. yeast
• 1/2 c. tangzhong

Tangzhong:

• 1/3 c. all purpose flour or brown rice flour both work well
• 1 c. water

Glaze:

• 2 c. powdered sugar
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1 tsp. vanilla
• 2 T. water

1.  Make the tangzhong--
 Blend the flour and water in a small sauce pan, and heat over medium while stirring with a whisk.  As soon as the mixture thickens, and swirl lines appear, remove from heat and allow to cool.  (This recipe will provide a double batch of tangzhong – store the unused half in the refrigerator for your next loaf, for up to 3 days.)

2. Make the Dough--
Activate the yeast by adding the yeast to a little bit of water, stir and let sit for a few minutes.
whisk together flour, sugar, salt. then add Earth Balance(or butter), egg or lecithin, almond milk, tangzhong and yeast mixture.
you can do this in a stand mixer with the dough hook or in a bowl with your hands.

Cover and allow to rise 45 minutes,
then punch down and allow to rise another 45 minutes

2.  When the dough is done, roll it out into a rectangle on a floured surface – somewhere between 1/4 inch and 1/2 inch thick.

3. cut out the donuts--
you can use a cookie cutter and a smaller one for cutting the hole out the center, or what i did was cut the dough into relative sized oval/squares and shape into a circle yourself. then with a knife cut out a hole in the center.
you might needs to do this on a floured wood surface so the donut dough doesnt stick to the surface or fall out of shape.
(optional step: let final shaped donuts rise for another hour, not necessary though.)

5.  Make the glaze by whisking all the ingredients together.
most efficient way is to add sifted powedered sugar to the wet , slowly while mixing.

6. For frying you can use a deep fryer or a deep pan.
Heat about 1-2″ of oil in a large pot or pan.  (I used canola oil in a deep fryer)
Heat the oil up to about 365 degrees F  – this is the proper temperature for deep frying doughnuts.

7.  Carefully lower a few donuts into the hot oil, and fry for 30-45 seconds. they should float.

8. flip over and fry for another 30-45 seconds, then remove to a rack to cool.

9.  When done – and cool enough to handle without burning your fingers, use a kitchen brush to paint the glaze on, let dry on one side, flip over and glaze the other side.