Palliate (double meaning)

i want to write a poem heavy with blood
no
etched in a tree
no
amber alert the child inside is missing
my mind made up the decision without even having a conversation with any other parts of me
she left
i havent had time to explain
now youll have plenty


this is excruciating
im finally giving her a microphone and she disappears on me
is she gone for good?
or just scared
because im not
forgetting, anything,

, , , pause, enough, for effect, to reflect, infect, inject, you
back in time, im not reevaluating, neglect,
this

this

then

there

he

i

how many times will i repeat myself
sa-sa-sacrifices [through tears] are to be m-m-m-made
for the greater just-less show-of just-legal-speak-for- the-motions
i endure
i showed up to the wrong court wearing AF1's and my head wrapped,
free throws,
rapped about insanity and had-to-be hands all over me, grabbing and silently lying practically has-to-be enough

for you to see, intensity, the propensity,
inadvertence of pretense,
im talking and untethered to this plane of existence
susceptability as a defense please suspectability is beyond recess.
redress it up however you like
im going up with a fight, a fight or flight reflex
ingested injected since birth dying to get off the table momma meconophagist tried ta kill me first
ever heard of a liability well you are one, to everyone you come into contact with that happens to have a vagina aged under 18 years, hebephile in denial, not ready fa trial, out of court settlement an understatement, you secondhandwish for hell you gonna get it

i want to write a poem and it always turns into a rap, a game i been in internally since '96,
heavy with blood and child abuse, flowering from a little rap seed, a poetryneed,
spoken word slam frontal attack
fully loaded assault rifle but with verbs and predicates, pronouns, adjectives, clauses, fragments.
i got a concealed carry-permit for a loaded weapon, my mind, memory, mathesis.

iambic
iamb this.
ideopraxist for ideophones

i will find a home, it may not be where ive ever been before
but it will be a salvay-shun of bullshit and lies
and all that is toxic
home full of love and backs-had, support in any form you can make it, bake it, ill take it,
as is,  home, to where my bred is, where im bread in, and up,
mixing up the english language in a diva cup, a cup of power, flowered instead, the blooming of riots
not diets
not "quiet!"'s
just try it
a cursed home inviting trust
inviting love, weeping, scarred, abandoned whole parts and pieces of people
banishing the idea that we were never wanted, planned or celebrated.
wrapping arms around scars,
defeating this curable sickness, kickin n its teeth, and having a hand there to help you up when its all done.
for now at least this is my reverie
a poem lost in alchemy, anarchy,
traumatically characterizing a trajectory for transcendency

and thats my plea.



glossary: 

 palliate -1. disguise the seriousness or gravity of (an offense).

              2. to ease without curing; to extenuate

intensity - Exceptionally great concentration, power, or force.

propensity -a strong natural tendency to do something

inadvertence -An instance of being inadvertent; an oversight or slip; a result of inattention

pretense - a false reason or explanation that is used to hide the real purpose of something; A professed but feigned reason or excuse; a pretext

redress -to correct (something that is unfair or wrong); to remove the cause of (a grievance or complaint),

recess- a brief interval during which all business is suspended without an adjournment.

meconophagist - one who uses or consumes opiates including heroin

liability - legal responsibility for one's acts or omissions. ; Responsibility; the state of one who is bound in law and justice to do something which may be enforced by action.

hebephile - Sexual preference by an older person—usually understood to be an older man—for a girl in mid-to-late adolescence—the consummation of which is illegal in most jurisdictions

mathesis - mental discipline; learning or wisdom

iambic - a metrical foot consisting of one short syllable followed by one long syllable or of one unstressed syllable followed by one stressed syllable ; A verse, stanza, or poem written in iambs

ideopraxist - one who is impelled to carry out an idea

ideophone - word that is spoken but not written; words that evoke a vivid impression of certain sensations or sensory perceptions, e.g. sound, movement, color, shape, or action

bred - to produce (offspring) by hatching or gestation; bring up, nurture ; to inculcate by training

diva cup - a flexible cup or barrier worn inside the vagina during menstruation to collect menstrual fluid

reverie - A state of abstracted musing; daydreaming.; the condition of being lost in thought;

alchemy - a power or process that changes or transforms something in a mysterious or impressive way;

trajectory - A chosen or taken course;

transcendency -Lying beyond the ordinary range of perception; Being above and independent of the material universe.

plea - a serious and emotional request for something; An action or suit.; an earnest entreaty or request;