death or (R)evolution

Rumination will bring death or revolution

i.

the storm is coming
without warning
as usual,
in mourning, forthcoming, i am.
trying.
its still happening and I'm hiding and prying
its been happening all along
talk about a rap sheet
just piling it up of witness and testaments the bodies are high
you're digging your own grave
while you bury those you left behind
i was buried alive and I'm waking up and fighting my way out tooth and nail and knuckles bare bleeding, digging myself out of my own grave like Buffy
its tough you see the justice system is fucked so the answers i receive may not be enough
for one, I'm facing the storm. it's coming without warning
i feel the warm wetness of desperation its too familiar
but this time, the unfamiliar, the revealing
its breathtaking, Taking, breathStealing, reeling,

i hear about you bothering other teenagers and I'm ready for a beheading
10 years in the making
i cant live with myself if you're still taking, if girls are shaking
it's coming out, the storm is arriving, i can see it on the horizon,
bet you never thought,
you'd never be,
caught,
you never be seen for who you really be. trust.
you're gonna wish you never met me


ii.

I'm ready to erupt like a volcano
it'll all come out somehow
bear with me on the timing its a bit slimy wading through this sick waste side of trauma, hesitancy, don't you see
my friends are having MY nightmares
and this is the only way i feel better subtle letters in spoken word rap battles
dismembered memories of a "wish i could forget" but i remember so clearly

quote
i need to go young girl hunting
unquote

flash

give me fear
flash
give me adoration
flash
give me invisibility

a room full of sexual abuse survivors like ghosts with hoarse throats, torn coats.
gaining momentum

quote
nobody knows how to keep a secret anymore
unquote

flash
give me intimidation
flash
give me a get out of jail free card
flash

flash

flash

iii.
one day all this garbage will pour right out of me.
maybe into a book
maybe into your ears, your heart, your mind
but it will come out sooner or later
and any backlash will be worth the decade it took to overcome
any gas-lighting will be worth smashing the reputations he's won
i might need a really good defense
but those of u i know
will trust me when i say
my back needs having, support unstaggering
he got fresh
i never rested
upon this breath
facts are present

can i get a witness
maybe 3 or 4
i saved the emails, voicemails, and more
deals off, you sick son of a

get me a mic or a pen or drum
I'm beating, writing, screaming this truth out of me,
which, ever, way
 it will come.


iv.

i feel i may be living the life of someone whose no longer housed in this body and mind.
as if i just moved in and someone else's things are still here.
someone i knew very well. so well in fact, i actually thought these were all my things.
but I'm starting to see they're just dreams
i don't have need anymore
#evolution #awkward
hashtag you can't summarize delirium

“I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then”

since then when was I whoever I was at tea? was she me?

“I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir,' said Alice, 'Because I'm not myself you see.”

this house doesn't fit in me.
i woke up with a whole new hand.
new heart.

“But it's no use now," thought poor Alice, "to pretend to be two people! Why, there's hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!”

finding comfort in uncomfortable situations.

if i were to go
i'd feel interrupted mid sentence
before the predicate
and if the rest of the sentence wasn't really important anyway?
if it is only a continuum
a fugue
dissociative state

"I quite agree with you,” said the Duchess; “and the moral of that is—‘Be what you would seem to be’—or, if you’d like it put more simply—‘Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.”

exactly. or not exactly. but I'm definitely off to something. 

off of something on

on to not-somethings.
forget it.

“So she sat on with closed eyes, and half believed herself in Wonderland, though she knew she had but to open them again, and all would change to dull reality.”

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*quotes are excerpts from Lewis Carroll's through the looking glass (as if you didnt already figure that out)