Flying to Hawaii

June 1st, 2009
I awoke this morning wanting the sun inside me, born within the womb, a bright burning energia to give birth to when the time is right.
I don't remember crying in Boston or NY, why? And in Paris, and Amsterdam I couldn't keep it in.
Right now, I am flying over the pacific eventually flying will be a thing of the past, I hope. I want to ride camels and horses and by foot. frolicking through deserts.
This trip will be my first to an Island.
I just had a thought - I guess I am the luckiest girl even without Maxi, maybe luckier. who knows. thats for me to figure out.
I feel like my writing has become a bit bipolar lately. when I'm writing how better off I am ad feeling guilty looking at the words, or writing how much I've missed out on and had, missed, wanted. I'm not either, it's sort of in between. Unconditionally loving his soul for all eternity and still trying to let go of the past and uncontrollable present.
I've laughed, I've smiled, I've had happy moments over the past 2 years.
and even in the genuine happy moments where I dont feel guilty for being happy, when I was ectstatic in Boston, there's still a small twitch if only for a millisecond I shrug off knowing I'm still missing a huge part of me. It's like he took it with him, but i don't know if he has it anymore.
my freedom, my heart, my trust, my love, my celibacy. but i cannot find my celibacy on a beach. or the jungle, this will return over time. my sexual energy has hidden under the covers and wont come out until it is finished weeping and feels it is safe again. I cant believe I wanted to have his children. I cant believe I wanted to procreate! ha
No i cant believe I wanted to procreate more of him. You may have strong genes and we would make gorgeous babies BUT I wouldnt want to endure a lifetime of you constantly trying to grow up. "let go my love, the world wants you !"

Honolulu Airport - Noon
I met a guy named Josh today. What is it with amazing men named Josh? He had the body of a god. Hair in all the right places. and the most amazing galaxies in his eyes.
curly black locks doing handstands in the Honolulu Airport garden. We talked for 2 hours about the earth, Daniel quinn, cosmology, physics, math, music, tonal structures, harmonics, frequencies, sound waves, 4th dimensions, the fall of man, harmony on earth, the field, linear versus non linear functions, the octaves of society, everything fascinating in abundance. beautiful lightning struck me in the 87 degree weather of Hawaii and my new friend from Mill Valley no Kauai. I hope to see him again one day because I studied his face enough to know I could fall in love with those features encasing a gentle soul. Beautiful! Beautiful! Beautiful!
I discovered consistencies in physical appearances i am drawn to. dark skin, chest hair, symmetrical eyes, small teeth, lips pointed outwards, full, strong arms to hold me up, did i say dark skin?. I CAN DO THIS.
I can find someone else. I CAN find someone better for me. and physically attractive. I thought it was impossible up till now. Maxi is not the only man with chest hair, a beard a nice butt and dolphin teeth. Haha I could just go to Yugoslavia and grab me a new one. lol
1 more plane to Hilo and I'm set. I worry to much for nothing. This is my chance to get used to the world I want to live in. Sleeping on the earth I love and want to care for.

From this high up looking down at the pacific, the boats/birds down there look like the seas very own celestial sphere. Whole galaxies of stars in the ocean, quite amazing. but it could quite possibly be stars of trash...which is not quite so amazing.
although, the earth is amazing. I've never seen any water so blue only in pictures. I just want to be touching it with my fingertips right now...

Again, I set off in uncharted land in my travels, not having any plans for the next 12 days.
I guess I should try what Alex said.
Not to say his name out loud for 3 days. Starting today I havent said it out loud. 48 more hours.
we can do this.
Also, visualize empowerment, positive energy, moving on, letting go of pain, of attachment, of needless suffering.
Till next time,
aloha,

B the G