To begin, I was thinking I would love to learn Arabic and I want to ask Zakariah to teach me.
we will see.
Next semester will be interesting. I need to keep focused and remember why I love learning, keep my passion and curiosity for knowledge at it's peak. The time is ticking and I need to layout my senior project...but I just don't know what to do!!??
Something like a weekly discussion class/ensemble of some kind, once a week lecture, once a week playing. Composing with politically charged and active projects influenced from that weeks discussion or focus point. With a final concert or performance in the end. Who would take this? Am i kidding myself..?
Lawd, I cant get this taste out of my mouth. go away. leave me nostalgia.
I failed the game yesterday. I said his name only once, time to start over again. 8 days. good job.
the idea is figuring out what i want for ME, not what I want (may it be peace or whatnot) for others, specifically him. It's great im finally at the point of knowing breaking up was a good thing, wether not its for the "right" reasons. I said it out loud to Halvar last night. I said it and believed it. We needed to end. It was necessary.
My life spent talking to people, when is there time for myself though? I've realized. It is time for quiet. Maybe i need to learn a little discipline. I cant take in every story, or share mine with everyone.
The diamond necklace is already around my neck. I have to be my own hero. Throw myself over my shoulder and whisk myself away on a beautiful steed.
I cant be afraid of waht I am inside. I cant be ashamed or feel guilty. I am my own hero. The truth.
I have a vibe. a beacon. a batman signal. people have been drawn to me lately. to talking to me. to sharing their life stories. wanting the bob in their life presence.
they gotta know, "who's that girl?"
I am tracing my way through the constellations of my own blueprint of my life.
-B
June 10th -
woke up at 7am ready to dig up dirt. . tiger balm on legs. I wanted to add something to the letter and i forgot what i was sorry for.
After a night of socializing I am a bit drained, feeling alone time in full. weeding can be good.
I just thought to myself, "I would give up everything for him back."
Stop making generalizations, would u really give up anyone in your family? even your most utilized posessions? facebook? damn.
well, I have to lose it eventually, leaving the country and all.
but really? NO
Would you give up your mentors? (you thought having to admit slipping up in feb was frightening, imagine admitting you're back together...that you are giving toxic filled brownies one more chance. That just sounds CRAZY.
but he's not a brownie. He's a man. (barely) but nevertheless a man who can crush your still beating heart with the palm of his hand. That's one helluva risk girlie.
There is an avocado tree across from this hostel.
I met a man named Halvar last night. He is from Norway, getting his PHD in Sweden in an Electioneering project on Ocean wave powered electricity. How rad, right?
On my walk through Kona at 2am I also Todd. from the LBC living as a general contractor in Kona. cool but weird and sucking energy from me.
He didnt understand my love for India. To which I have decided a new ploy to finding this person out there who could travel with me: one word relation discussions.
I say "INDIA". Guage reaction. Think. Dream. Dare. Love.
could work.
Met a boy named Bobby on my walk. hawaiian, from Santa Clara but grew up here. works security for the boardwalk thing. Complimented my piercings for the 100th time, interrupted my singing. 19 ish.
Speaking of, Rob Carlos never called me back. So much for love at first sight haha. I knew boys cant hold their attention span after one night with a girl who's celibate.
I think I made him realize I wasnt right for him. Starting over again from square 1. trying to meet someone who will wait. But do you have a good reason anymore?
At least before the trauma from J was good enough but now the ideal of true love + sex may not be good enough...wow is my trust in my self slipping..
I'm just going with how i feel. I dont want to sleep with anyone I dont love completely.
I am meeting this couchsurfing host Ivan tomorrow. Firday 6am bus back to Hilo. friday night Jam and Dreamers Collective and open mic gallery. Bus to aiport saturday morning.
Night
B
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