I just wanted to quickly brush up the flight home. There really was only one thing that I wanted to share and that was after getting through security in Amsterdam, I'm sitting in the waiting area for boarding to begin, and this family from India sits down near me.
The young boy says to his father, "Look Dad, there is a seagull flying around out there. Does that mean we are near water?"
and his father says, "oh Yes, you are right. that is a seagull. that is a very good observation, son. That does mean we are near water."
:D
Smart kids make me smile.
And parents who acknowledge their childrens' intelligence also makes me smile.
I watched 3 movies on the flight.
Defiance - about the Belisky brothers who saved many Jews during the holocaust. This movie is wonderful, and very sad.
The Jungle Book - my favorite disney movie. "But I don't want to go back to the Man village Bagheera, I want to stay in the Jungle. " :-)
Yes Man - I didn't get to finish it, but it was rather funny. I don't think I will finish it unless someone I know happens to own it later and let me watch it.
Landed at SFO and it was 85 degrees. Whoah. I definitely didn't know what was going on. haha
Went to the library to pee before i got on the golden gate transit.
And called my dad. I will go visit him next weekend. He misses me quite terribly, so I promised to go and tell him all my stories and pictures and catch up. He was thinking about me the entire 10 days I was gone. :) Sometimes I don't know what I would do at this point in my life if i still didn't have a father. Especially one as wonderful as he is. I would be lost.
I'm very grateful and never take it for granted. <3
Now, I would like to reflect.
I am returned home into my country. Although, some of me feels left behind.
I am having Europe withdrawals. Everytime I ride my bike down E. cotati ave. and a monster truck flys past hugging the parameter of bike lane and car lane, I wonder why I am still here.
i'm stuck. or i feel stuck.
stuck in this routine I have decided to finish. To get a "degree" that i don't know what will change anything, or will help me in future endeavors. I am also just really stubborn.
I'm just tired of feeling as if the only way to feel free is traveling. Everytime i return to routine of this life, I feel out of place. Not completely me. But when I am abroad, thinsg are much different, my friends. I have a feeling of complacency in not knowing my next step. In not worrying, caring about the past, or the future, only in what will happen in the next moment and when the sun will rise and fall.
So, as I reflect, I just want to make clear that Amsterdam didn't give me epiphanies, neither did Paris. Neither cities are what I need. or where is perfect for me. I haven't found it yet.
And yet, as I return to America I feel ever more lost in seeking.
Or moreso, carrying with me heavy burdens of past joy, past grief, something I should share or maybe let go of. Yo no se.
Vi una fila de camisas.
Contaron historias de la violación y forzaron la violencia. Reflejaron un pasado muy reciente.
I shouldn't have read Take Back The Night Shirts on campus before my computer science class. I felt small and dead still.
And I still wonder why no doesn't just mean no?
So, for all of this coursing through my blood, there are 3 flashes relevent to my source of bewilderness as of late.
1. remembering my siser and missing her more than ever
2. not being able to let go of the attachment I have to the first person I ever fully trusted.
3. remembering all of which I have been through in its utmost grotesqueness
Hablo con mi sangre entera y con mis recuerdos
individuales. Y estoy vivo.
Mi sangre estaba fresca y luciente como un anillo
continuoen el interior de mi cuerpo absolutamente vivo.
Respiraba imágenes y desde entonces todas esas
imágenes me visitan en sueños,rompiéndolo todo, como caballos delirantes.
Yo no quisiera hablar del tamaño de aquella tarde,
no poner aquí adverbios, gritar o lamentarme.
y veo a veces mi cuerpo desnudo
como un espacioso alimento para la boca devoradora del amor.
Hablo de estos recuerdos inmensos porque tenía que
hacerlo alguna vez, así o de otra manera.
-Excerpts from "Nine Years Later" a Poem by David Huerta
That is all,
Adios,
Guten abend,
Bob the Girl
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