Ahoy hoy,
So this retreat has been needed for too long. I missed my trees. :)
and my Alex the girl.
Summer school is ended. I headed to SF to meet up with Alex at Caltrain. 4 hours to Santa cruz. here we come!
We took the train to Diridon station in San Jose, and transferred to the Highway 17 bus to SC.
The bus driver almost didn't let Alex on for youth fare, haha. Oh, the things we get away with when we have baby faces...but i told her one day the makeup will catch up to bite her a big one.
Makeup makes you look OLDER ALEX!
Good ride through hwy 17...tunes...thoughts...patience.
We got to downtown SC and made our way to her friend Nitza's house. Beautiful girl with crazy curls, but i dont know how down she was with alex bringing someone. Apprently, they went to a youth camp together for socialist/commie kids and went on yearly trips to Israel to stay in Kibbutz and were really close friends before, but apparently Nitza has changed. was weird even about sharing food...it made Alex pretty sad. I've seen this face before. when people change on her. Her brother for example, growing up in the household they did, pretty anarchistic kids and now he's joining the marines to go kill bad guys in Afghanistan. Ugh. She's beyond words on that one. we'll deal with that when he gets shipped out. I'm pretty disgusted hearing anyone say that...not only because i'm such a huge lover of the Afghani culture, people, food, but, well i dont think i need to explain. :D
Well, we stayed at Nitza's, had dinner, slept, woke up and headed to UC Santa Cruz.
She showed me around campus, we went in the music building and I played some piano for her. I don;t think I've ever even played much Piano for Alex, all the time we've known each other. It was nice. She liked it.
Many revelations, including how long we've known each other and never jammed..?
What the hell....i dont know why this happens..reminds me of Maxi and how we date for so many many months and WE never jammed..WHAT THE HELL!? I dont understand it. But then again, he never really wanted to hear me play anything anyway, too self-centered.
Which, is the point of this retreat. To find myself..somehow in these trees.
We head to this great hidden spot in the redwoods on campus, but secluded.
we head our own ways for our own alone time.
I went forward following trails, peeing in bushes, Oh! and finding an awesome sturdy branch to hang my knapsack and jacket/bag on each end, carried over my shoulders.
Yeah, that's right, i'm a natural survivor.
You should've seen Alex's face when we met back up. hahaha she laughed at me so hard. :D
But as for my trip, I saw a rather large secluded area full of cairns. It was quite remarkable.
Moving along, I found an amazing small circle of redwoods with a dipped in center to sing in.
And as i was telling Yvonne, with no one around, amazing nature, tormented, broken and torn heart, with vibrant and patient lungs, I bellowed many many notes, maybe wrong, but with force, and passion, and some direction both to and from my body that i did not understand.
I knew Fiona Apple always could bring such imagery and emotional unity, but this time was much stronger. I sang out my demons. and even hit some high notes I never could have before.
very very good.
for every cell in the structure of my anatomy writhed with the inner synthesis at work.
pumping blood through each and every pore of my existence, i flooded this forest.
and mopped the remains through a chest cavity, posing at mitochondria, but really just a skipping heart-beat.
for one,
too,
many,
disengaged,
dissapointments.
also, I wrote lots of poetry. haha
yes. Then i moved on.
Saw deer. birds. my favorite star, the sun.
and then finally, my favorite of the evening, i found the perfect field to run through as the sun lit the every corner i needed.
I pumped some occasionally-needed pop vocals with feministy lyrics
and ran straight ahead, as fast as i could back and forth, in circles, up and down, free, con pies descalzos, breathing, no restraint. I aven't ran that fast since cross country.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Then i headed back to Alex , whom on the other hand, did not have a good time.
She couldnt' find a place to get comfortable. she couldn't feel alone. She didn't explore. she had writer's block.
breathe.
This boy is blocking every move she makes.
I won't get into that though.
So, we headed back to Downtown. Nitza didn't want to host us one more night. :( So we meet up with my good friend Phrench. He's amazing!
Very good nomadic friend of mine.
He introduced me to the most beautiful girl i have ever seen in my life. I'm done for. When I first saw her, she was spinning poi, with the most gorgeous dreads I have ever seen.
Phrench didn't even ave to intrduce me before she walks calmly and confident and with pure genuity right up to me and gives me this most warm and loving hug. For many many minutes, i felt safe. And this kind of unconditional love i only feel in Paulo Coehlo books.
Gabriela. Gabi. Gabriellllllllllllla Gabrrrrrrrrriela. AHHHHHHHHH
She is quite the charmer, her beauty and genuine essence can be shared with anyone who comes into contact with her, she's the image of what a genuinely free human being looks like.
She is everything i was, wanted to be and still strive be.
I do hope we still remain in contact.
We all went to this Indian place, where they give out whatevers left in the kitchen for the street kids, nomads, homeless etc. Very yummy. Chapatis and Daal.
We all headed to the beach i Phrench's van and talked socialist politics, loving the earth and how to keep it intact, how to share with people, music, and of course Phrench's original political theories on how the govt controls the weather and national id cards. :) haha he's great.
So, Phrench had too many other hippies staying in his van, so Alex and I crashed at the beach like real bums. ha.
It was soo amazingly cold out there. Alex said she couldn't sleep because she was worried about me. :( Like she needed to watch over me while i slept. We were hiding behind some bushed so the cops didnt grab us. Apparently its illegal to be on the beach after a certain time in Santa Cruz. So annoying.
I woke up to the sun rise and birds. Took a walk and watch the sun and the boardwalk, the sand, and thought about my previous day.
My thoughts are after my outro.
We took the bus back to San Jose, then Sf, then i headed back up to Rohnert Park. What a weekend. Much much to do from here on out.
I think that healing is a process. And i'm not ready for this illness and it's time consuming allergies, side effects and withdrawal symptoms. But time it will take. and i'm in for the count.
well, this retreat was needed and now i go home knowing what to keep my head up for every morning when I wake up alone, with only myself to look at in the mirror.
Strong. Courageous. Thriving.
I dont' need to be grounded to find groundation.
Falling is only a state of mind from which side of the universe you stand on, with or without gravity.
I am choosing to keep the light on to the truth.
Let's see how long it lasts.
B. Young
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