Rejuvenation Process Began , 1 year

Rejuvenation Process Began When you are searching for a lost sock, its a lot easier to say i'll just wear mismatched socks today. I couldnt find my own sisters grave. I want to say it was easy. I want to say anything justified. when i do find it one day, i will put a damn Big ass sticker on that thing. but what really was this trip about. not to see a tombstone and cry over it. no. I can cry anywhere. I want to let it sink in. the physical seeing of a headstone saying she lies here. I can say, well, she really is down there. and thats it. its not like in the movies. its quiet. and i couldnt feel anything coming. It's almost more refreshing to be around the dead. They know what we don't. what is important and what is not. But really, I didn't need to find the actual grave. Because i was there. I was on hollow ground. I remembered the day. The day she went down. everything came flooding back to me. driving there and pulling up wit 30 something cars behind us, coming up on tarped square sectioned off with hundreds of people waiting. sitting. The preacher, preaching some bullshit about "this is just a portal of transportation" ..dont quote me on that. But i remember him saying this ridiculous speech about her body is nothing, and now her soul is with God. forget that. I will never fall for this religious mind game. He slapped the casket so hard i almost jumped up an slapped him. I remember that. I also remember that feeling i get when im on a plane and i want to open to fire exit. or in a car and i want to open the door when the car is moving. THAT feeling. I got it, i wanted to jump up and open the casket. I just wanted to see her again. not a picture, her body. Her beautiful beautiful face. I remember looking at the kids in front of me. I felt my heart crush everytime i tried to understand how much hurt they must be going through. And how strong i had to be. My heart crushed for the fact i had to be strong. I couldn't fall apart, But why. in this society we are not supposed to be weak. and crying and falling apart is weakness. Well im fucking human and i feel weak. I am weak at times. let me tell you. especially at the moment of acceptance of loss. I didn't want to sit there and act proper and not cry. I wanted to hold the casket and sob my fucking eyes out. I wanted to scream and howl in agony. I didnt want to leave. I DIDNT want to LEAVE. I wanted to watch her be lowered. I remember looking as i was being pulled away and my eyes were completely blurred with tears and confusion. I have never been that blind. I felt faint. and i was being pulled away. No, i didnt need to find her actual grave because the memories were enough. The feeling that i tried that i came, i went , i looked. and believe me i LOOKED. I need to stop at some point. But the rejuvenation has begun. Be with me on this, Namaste -B